


3

by 30xf



Series: 201 Days Of X Files [31]
Category: The X-Files
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-24
Updated: 2015-10-24
Packaged: 2018-04-27 19:55:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 481
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5061892
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/30xf/pseuds/30xf





	3

It was a mistake, I know that. Something I never would have done under different circumstances. But she touched Scully's necklace. She touched it and part of me felt betrayed on Scully's behalf. In recent years (as far as I know) Scully, myself and her mother are the only people who have touched this tiny piece of gold. And this woman did it without even asking. Another part of me--the part that apparently took over from that point--saw it as an invitation. An invitation to forget Scully for a brief time and maybe feel something other than emptiness. 

As I sit in the grass, the smell of smoke burning my nostrils, another possibility occurs to me. One that makes me feel sick to my stomach. I hold her necklace in my hand, willing away thoughts of blood and vampires and women who don't look or sound or smell like Scully. I try to feel her heart beat. I love Scully, I know that. I think it's that love that lets me feel her heart beat from however far away she might be. But the possibility that crosses my mind is that maybe I'm in love with her. Maybe I slept with that woman because in that moment, I needed some sort of release. The preferred method would have been confessing my feelings to Scully, but in her absence, this woman was a stand in. Metaphorically allowing me to pour my feelings out to Scully. I won't allow myself to dwell on the fact that Scully crossed my mind more than once while I was with that woman. There weren't any properly formed thoughts of her; just her face here and there, the sound of her voice in my head, her name--unspoken--on the tip of my tongue. Most likely it's because I've been submersed in thoughts of Scully since her disappearance, and this must just be a side effect of that. 

Her heart beat won't come to me this time, perhaps feeling betrayed by what transpired in the burning house behind me last night. But it's okay. I know it'll come back to me. And I think last night may have even served a purpose. Despite my unresolved feelings for Scully (which it will probably be better for me not to fully explore) I feel lighter somehow. Still empty, but not held down into the void. I can her the sarcastic tone of Scully's voice in my brain telling me 'a good cry would have had the same effect,' and I half smile, half squint in the California sunlight. I don't have Scully back yet, but for the first time in a while, I honestly believe she is not lost to me forever. The X-Files have been re-opened, and I will find her. And I will return her necklace to her. And maybe she'll know. She'll just know.


End file.
